24/2/2018: Nowadays, some employers think that formal academic qualifications are more important than life experience or personal qualities when they look for new employees. Why is it the case? Is it a positive or negative development?

INTRODUCTION:

There is a growing tendency for recruiters these day to place (1) a significant emphasis on academic qualifications rather than (2) life experience and (3) characteristics of candidates. This trend is attributable to (4) the reduced (5) burden on enterprises, and I am of the belief that it is overwhelmingly negative for society (6) as large.

(1) Grammar => To place significant emphasis on …

(2) Grammar => The life experience

(3) Better vocabulary => Personal characteristics

(4) Grammar => reduced burdens

(5) Vocabulary => at large

Comment:

Well written intro with a clear opinion – good!

BODY 1:

The preferential treatment associated with formal qualifications in general has its root in the straightforward recruitment (6) process in businesses across a wide variety of industries. University degrees in general can act as proof for academic levels as well as (7) competence of (8) an average person. When students spend a number of years at university or college, they have (9) increased opportunity to accumulate not only relevant expertise in the field but also soft skills (10) including communication and teamwork. Thanks to such foundation, they will be more capable of performing effectively in their future job compared to those without formal training. It is therefore no surprise to see many personnel departments (11) to willingly classify potentials candidates based primarily on their academic backgrounds. This to some degree helps minimize (12) time and (13) costs involved in (14) either employment or further training.

(6) plural => processes

(7) plural => competencies

(8) More appropriate => a particular applicant

(9) Grammar => an increased opportunity

(10) More appropriate => related to

(11) Omit “to”

(12) Grammar => the time

(13) Better vocabulary => associated costs

(14) Better vocabulary => processing applications and further on-the-job training

Comment:

Topic sentence: Very academic – clear

Excellent academic development – great!

BODY 2:

Nonetheless, the benefit described above pales in comparison to the adverse impact on employment (15) opportunity, especially for those (16) in less privileged segments of society. Children coming from a family with (17) low income levels and (18) spend most of their school time (19) in local areas may be put at a (20) disadvantage when later competing for a job with better-off peers (21) who study abroad and already (22) obtain internationally-recognized qualifications. Coupled with this is possible criminal activity related to forging official qualifications in many places. For example, in Vietnam, some (23) people are willing to pay (24) a huge amount of money for illegal degrees and diplomas so that they can apply for well-paid jobs (25) in large firms. This has interfered with (26) the competitiveness in (27) current job market and provoked public uproar (28). 

(15) Plural => Employment opportunities

(16) Wrong preposition => From less privileged segments of society

(17) Clearer => Lower income levels

(18) Grammar => Who spends

(19) clearer => at home and around the neighborhood

(20) better vocabulary => distinct advantage

(21) grammar => who have studied abroad

(22) grammar => obtained

(23) better vocabulary => individuals

(24) better vocabulary => large sums of money

(25) preposition => at large firm

(26) more appropriate vocabulary => equal opportunity OR: it creates a competitive advantage for a socioeconomic class

(27) grammar => current job market

(28) clearer => in certain nations

Comment:

Great again – really academic, clear ideas.

CONCLUSION:

In conclusion, the focus on formal qualifications has adverse impacts on both job seekers and society. (29) The government and companies therefore should (30) retain the balance of all criteria to ensure equal opportunity for all individuals.

(29) Make a parallel structure if possible => Governments

(30) Not sure what this phrase means… - ensure equal access to opportunity is what you mean I think

Comment:

Try to summarise the 2nd paragraph as well.

 

Task Achievement: 9.0 (Great development of relevant ideas – make sure you summarise both ideas in the conclusion.)

Coherence/Cohesion: 8.0 (Easy to follow overall with good referencing and substitution.)

Vocabulary: 8.0 (Small mistakes but very academic and high level.)

Grammar: 8.0 (Small mistakes as well but strong complexity.)

Overall: 8.0

GOOD PHRASES AND VOCABULARY 

To place significant emphasis on … = focus on

Be attributable to … = caused by

Be overwhelmingly negative = greatly negative

At large = as a whole

preferential treatment = favor s.t

to have its root in … = result from …

across a wide variety of industries = across many businesses, fields

to accumulate relevant expertise = learn relevant knowledge in the field

to some degree = to a certain extent

on-the-job training = training to do the job

to act as proof for … = prove …

to minimize the time and associated costs = reduce the time and costs needed

to pale in comparison to s.t = not as important as s.t

adverse impacts = negative effects

people from less privileged segments of society = poor people

families with low income levels

to put s.o at a distinct disadvantage = become a disadvantage for s.o

internationally-recognized qualifications = degrees that are recognized worldwide

coupled with this is … = in addition, …

to forge official qualifications = illegally create fake degrees

to interfere with equal opportunity in the current job market

to provoke public uproar = make people angry

job seekers = people who find jobs