Some people think sending criminals to prison is not an effective way to deal with them. Education and training are better. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

INTRODUCTION: Critics of (1) imprisonment point to its lack of efficacy and (2) suggest a better alternative associated with education and training. In my opinion, this proposed measure is (3) completely justifiable as it deals with the root cause of (4) most criminality. 

(1) Just the idea of prison itself might be a little too broad – better to narrow it slightly => incarnation

(2) Better structure => suggest there are better alternatives

(3) Better collocation => absolutely justifiable

(4) Better vocabulary => the vast majority of

Comment:

Great paraphrase of the topic – nuanced and clear.

Great overall opinion – very clear!

BODY 1: There are legitimate reasons to decry the (5) practice of prisons in today’s society. Incarcerating criminals alone without offering them any guidance or education (6) could only temporarily mitigate the problem. {(7) It is unlikely for law breakers to fully understand the severity of their misdeed or its negative effect on the community, and the (8) likely result is that they will (9) keep every previous inappropriate perception of life and (10) their anti-social behavior after being released} (11). Coupled with this is the possible discrimination that convicts might suffer as a result of their criminal records. They might have difficulty finding a decent job and fitting into (12) community after (13) severing many years in prison, which (14) forces them to recommit crime to make ends meet (15) or to abuse drugs to cope with their difficult situation.

(5) Wouldn’t call prisons a practice exactly – you could call them an institution => the mass adoption of…

(6) True situation now so no need for could => only temporarily mitigates the problem

(7) More correct structure => It is unlikely law breakers will fully understand …

(8) Vary with unlikely earlier in the sentence => the probable result is …

(9) Better and more correct vocabulary => will retain their erroneous perception of society

(10) Better structure => and continue their anti-social behavior

(11) Improve TA:  Can you support this with some fake research? Otherwise it sounds made up – lots of criminals don’t commit crimes again, maybe it scares them straight, etc. Someone could easily just argue the opposite of what you said.

(12) Grammar => the community

(13) Spelling mistake => serving

(14) Much weaker claim! => which could force…

(15) A bit strong – not just criminals who abuse drugs…. Careful with these too strong statements about crime.

Comment:

Good overall – students rarely handle the topic of crime well but you have done ok with it. Try to use more ‘research has shown’ and keep your claims very weak and realistic

BODY 2: Nonetheless, {(16) the increased crime rates these days often have (17) its root in unemployment and poverty, (18) so the considerable emphasis on educational programs and training courses will bring more readily apparent benefits} (19). (20) Regarding education for offenders, especially those in less privileged segments of society, it can help improve (21) their literacy skills. The ability to read and write later on could enable them to actively (22) upgrade relevant knowledge about the world through books, communicate effectively with others and (23) avoid breaking the law in the future. {Added to this is the tangible impact of vocational training such as carpentry, cooking or mechanical engineering that equip people with practical skills. Thanks to such foundation, they could have more chances to find a decent job to provide for themselves and their family, which could simultaneously reduce (24) the incidence of criminality in society at large} (25).

(16) In general, so no need for “the”

(17) Grammar => have their root in

(18) Better structure => As increased crime rates …, the considerable emphasis …

(19) Excellent – academic and accurate!

(20) Better structure => Education for …. can help improve …

(21) Not necessary

(22) Better vocabulary => actively become more knowledgeable about the world

(23) Extremely doubtful claim – they will read a book and then won’t commit crimes? Doesn’t make sense – this must be drawn out better for example with a specific example

(24) Grammar => reduce incidences of criminality

(25) Good but also a bit too easy on yourself in the development. Could be much better.

CONCLUSION: In conclusion, simply sending criminals to prison often brings about (26) counter-intuitive (27) results because it increases rates of (28) recidivism. Federal governments therefore should instead divert more resources to educational programs and training as their primary remedy to (29) combat crime. 

(26) Great!

(27) Better vocabulary => ramifications

(28) Excellent!

(29) Grammar => combatting crime

Task Achievement: 7.0 (Really close to 8 but the ideas need to be developed a bit better, more specifically and realistically.)

Cohesion/ Coherence: 8.0 (Easy to follow overall and great paragraphing.)

Vocabulary: 8.0 (Some really high level vocabulary and very few mistakes.)

Grammar: 8.0 (Mostly accurate and some good complexity at times.)

OVERALL: 7.5