PHÂN TÍCH VÀ NÂNG CẤP BÀI VIẾT BAND 8.0 - CHỦ ĐỀ TOURISM

  • Thứ tư, Ngày 12/05/2021
  • Essay 7:  10/12/2016: More people than ever before are travelling to other countries now. Why? Is this a positive development or negative development?

     

    INTRODUCTION: (1) There is an increase in the prevalence of international tours (2) in this day and age. This tendency is attributable to (3) the higher living standard (4) of many people and development of technology, and (5) I am of the belief that it is overwhelmingly negative.

    (1) unclear time up until now – better to use present perfect => There has been

    (2) good but a little informal => these days

    (3) Grammar => higher living standards

    (4) Avoid using this word => omit it

    (5) good! try to mention the second main idea as well if possible – you can always add it in later after writing p3

     

    BODY 1: (6) Travelling abroad is gaining its popularity among residents in many parts of the world. The first explanation for this is an increase in general income across a variety of industries. (7) Employees, especially those who have obtained academic qualifications and managed to pursue a lucrative career, receive much higher salary compared to the past. Their financial stability then enables them to provide for their family while pursuing other interests and forms of recreation, chief among which is visiting new destinations beyond their country’s frontiers. Coupled with this is the (8) advent of cutting-edge technology that has resulted in massive number of cheaper and more efficient airlines. (9) There are also hundreds of applications and websites available to ensure international trips are more accessible to the general public with online booking for flights, accommodation and entrance tickets to tourist attractions prior to the trip. These factors (10) all together present tourists with increased opportunities to travel from country to country with ease.  (11)

    (6) why? include the main idea in your topic sentence always => Travelling abroad is gaining its popularity among residents in many parts of the world for some reasons.

    (7) really nice linking of your ideas – good level of academic language as well – keep it up!

    (8) better vocabulary => commercialization of

    (9) perfect – really specific! keep it up! can even mention the names such as Agoda, Hotel.com, etc.

    (10) more academic => in the aggregate

    (11) excellent paragraph – near band 9 level for most parts

     

    BODY 2: Nonetheless, the rise of overseas travel (12) could take its toll on the environment across the globe. As an influx of tourists flock to (13) the site, natural surroundings of host areas (14) have to suffer in the long run. According to recent environmental research in to a variety of habitats, millions of acres of forests have been cut down for the construction of roads, accommodation and entertainment facilities, giving rise to (15) the shrinkage of wildlife habitats and (16) loss of the biodiversity (17) in the locality. Added to this is the increase in carbon dioxide emissions from various means of transportation to carry tourists, ranging from airplanes and ships to trains and buses. This exacerbates the pressing problems of pollution and contributes to more frequent incidents of environmental catastrophes (18) including global warming and ozone depletion.

    (12) present simple because it is true now => takes its toll on

    (13) Grammar => a given site

    (14) Be more specific => are likely to become polluted and over-developed

    (15) More appropriate => the endangerment of

    (16) Grammar => the loss of biodiversity

    (17) Grammar => in certain localities

    (18) this isn’t an example of an environmental catastrophe – it is a synonym => related to

     

    (CONCLUSION) In conclusion, the popularity of overseas travel has its root in better modern quality of life and technological advances. However, as this phenomenon is more detrimental when environmental factors are taken into consideration, governments worldwide should implement strict policies to ensure the sustainability of such a profitable industry (19).

    (19) excellent conclusion – very clear!

    Task Achievement: 9.0 (really strong – no major issues generally)

    Cohesion and Coherence: 8.0 (minor issues referencing and substituting)

    Vocabulary: 8.0 (minor mistakes and instances of informal usage)

    Grammar: 8.0 (some issues selecting tense and aspect)

    Overall: 8.0

     

    Completed Essay (Band 8+)

    There has been an increase in the prevalence of international tours these days. This tendency is attributable to higher living standards and development of technology, and I am of the belief that it is overwhelmingly negative regarding natural environment.

    • There has been an increase in the prevalence of s.t = s.t becomes more and more common
    • Be attributable to s.t = be caused by s.t
    • I am of the belief that = I believe that
    • Overwhelmingly negative = more negative

    Travelling abroad is gaining its popularity among residents in many parts of the world for some reasons. The first explanation for this is an increase in general income across a variety of industries. Employees, especially those who have obtained academic qualifications and managed to pursue a lucrative career, receive much higher salary compared to the past. Their financial stability then enables them to provide for their family while pursuing other interests and forms of recreation, chief among which is visiting new destinations beyond their country’s frontiers. Coupled with this is the commercialization of cutting-edge technology that has resulted in massive number of cheaper and more efficient airlines. There are also hundreds of applications and websites available to ensure international trips are more accessible to the general public with online booking for flights, accommodation and entrance tickets to tourist attractions prior to the trip. These factors in the aggregate present tourists with increased opportunities to travel from country to country with ease

    • To gain popularity = become more popular
    • Across a variety of industries = in many fields
    • To pursue a lucrative career = a good career
    • Financial stability = be financially stable
    • Destinations beyond one’s country’s frontiers = foreign lands
    • Cutting-edge technology = modern technology
    • The general public = people in general
    • Prior to = before
    • In the aggregate = all together
    • With ease = without difficulty

    Nonetheless, the rise of overseas travel takes its toll on the environment across the globe. As an influx of tourists flock to a given site, natural surroundings of host areas are likely to become polluted and over-developed. According to recent environmental research in to a variety of habitats, millions of acres of forests have been cut down for the construction of roads, accommodation and entertainment facilities, giving rise to the endangerment of wildlife habitats and the loss of biodiversity in certain localities. Added to this is the increase in carbon dioxide emissions from various means of transportation to carry tourists, ranging from airplanes and ships to trains and buses. This exacerbates the pressing problems of pollution and contributes to more frequent incidents of environmental catastrophes related to global warming and ozone depletion.

    • To take its toll on s.t = to damage s.t
    • An influx of = large number of
    • To give rise to s.t = lead to s.t
    • Endangerment of wildlife habitats
    • The loss of biodiversity
    • To exacerbate = make s.t worse
    • Pressing problems = concerning problems
    • Environmental catastrophes = environmental disasters
    • Global warming
    • Ozone depletion

    In conclusion, the popularity of overseas travel has its root in better modern quality of life and technological advances. However, as this phenomenon is more detrimental when environmental factors are taken into consideration, governments worldwide should implement strict policies to ensure the sustainability of such a profitable industry

    • To have its root in s.t = be caused by s.t
    • Technological advances = technological developments
    • Be detrimental to = be harmful to
    • To take s.t into consideration = consider s.t
    • To implement strict policies
    • Sustainability = last for a long time

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